Only time.......

October is here and for the last 10 years it has been bitter-sweet..... I love the season changes, colors, smells and the cooler weather..... Then there is the reminder that Oct. 4th would have been my son Preston's Birthday.... I find myself wondering what experiences he might have had.... It is not too hard to imagine when you have a nephew exactly one month younger than what he would have been..... What would he look like? I find myself longing for the what if's and wanting to watch him grow into a man........ I feel him everyday in little things, and reminded that he is not very far, I might not see him but I feel him in many ways..... Helping me be able to hold on to him, but also to let him go, so that I can do the things I need to do here on earth until we meet again.... Even in our family pictures, it is like he is there, in his place, right next to his sister, my precious gifts. I hold to the precious moments I had with him and let go of the blame and anger that I once had about loosing him and not having him in my life to watch him grow-up....

Only time by Enya is his song, it came to me in a time I needed it most..... The first time I heard it was after I lost Preston and I knew it was about his time here with us........

Letting go the loss of a child is tough to move through and forever will be a part of you, through time it can change you and teach you things about yourself that you might have never known ..... Just like coming to terms with invisible diseases and disorders like Dysautonomia is learning what do you hold on to and learning what do you let go of, and in time finding who you are......... Only in time do we really learn what it means to be who we are.......

What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of- and having faith that it will all work out in the end.......
There are seasons and times to have different things, relationships and situations in your life, the season changes are different to each and everyone of us......
Only time will tell what life might bring, where our relationships might take us, or what our children might become..... Or what the next steps are going be, in life or death..... It can make or break someones' will and spirit, if you let it.... Time has a way of changing people, the hope is that it changes us for the better.... That we learn and grow and become better people just from going through time.... I hope that I would be like the seasons and be able to retain who I am, while still going through the changes, my life experiences I need to grow and become the person that I'm suppose to be .........

For the short time Preston was here, he has forever change us.
Preston is forever woven into the fabric of our very being... It really doesn't get easier as the years pass on. We try to just keep moving forward knowing that we will be able to be with him as a family again someday.
We Love you Preston...... ♥