Who am I

Who am I?  It is a New year and a new beginning with new possibilities.  A time to let go of that which we can not change, all the hurt, pain, disappointments and expectations that we all put on ourselves and others around us, and learning to hold on loosely to the good that is now a part of who you are. Learning to keep moving forward with whatever may come our way......

 Who I am? A journey that is exciting and scary all at the same time. It is not an easy path to go down, many of us will stay with in what we feel is

safe, in the familiar.... If it is not broken, don't fix it...... I would agree with this most of the time.... 

Change is not  the easiest of paths to go down, no matter how many times you have, it is always different, whether it is a BIG life changing experience, or a simple change of your mind..........

Should I or should I not? 

Changing our thinking, is not always as easy as you think it is.  Yet change is enviable ........

If there is something that is stopping the gears of life from moving smoothly, maybe it is time to look at things, take a chance and move forward on your life's journey.........




I've always have had someone telling me who I am, and what they expected of me.
Life is so full of labels, but does that really define who we are, or the best way to live our life?





No risks, no real loss and no real gain either.  We may find things that we may not  like or want to see, on our journey to finding who we are, but these are the times we grow and learn the most from. Removing the labels and the blinders, and looking at the real you. When we are challenged beyond what we thought ever capable, and feel as if we have emotionally, mentally and physically been pushed to our limits, we feel we have no more to give..........
Don't give up, there is something bigger than you and I at work. Trust that there is others out there to lift you back on your feet, if we just reach out.......

In this next coming year, I'm learning more about who am, where I am going and what I am wanting in my life.... I feel as if I'm at a crossroads, which direction should I go, the one with no growth, gain or real change, and no challenge?

It is time to prove to myself who I am, to see if there really is anymore than what others see or what I say that I am. Not living my life with my eyes shut, not wanting to look at any problems that may or may not be there, and hoping they will resolve by themselves.









                                                                                       Going down the path that is the easiest with less resistance maybe? Missing out on what might be one of the greats gift and blessing?.....  One thing I have learned is that life is constantly changing and moving forward with or without us, whether we are ready or not it is going to keep Moving forward......

 If you are like me and are chronically ill, you know how precious and fragile life can be, everyday is a gift.... I don't want to waste it, so if there is something holding me back where I feel that I am not able to move forward, whether it is old hurt and pain from someone, life's bumps and bruises, resentment, or fear.  Maybe you have carried something with you that you thought was one way but really it wasn't and it has changed your life's path............ Every experience we have is forever woven into our fabric of our life...... What does yours look like?

I have decided that right now is the time to work on ME and be the best ME that I can be, so that I'm there for those that I am saying that I care for and love..... If you're not able to be there for yourself, how will you ever be there for anyone else? You'll never be able to let anyone in to be there for you, unless you are there for yourself first......

In the light of the Holiday season........

In the light of the Holiday season...... I wanted to share a story with you that you all may know, or may not...... Or know but have forgotten. I feel that you all can relate to it in some way.....

Relating the story of a young piano student. His mother, wishing to encourage him, "bought tickets for a performance of the great Polish pianist, Paderewski. The night of the concert arrived and the mother and son found their seats near the front of the concert hall. While the mother visited with friends, the boy slipped quietly   away .                                                

"Suddenly, it was time for the performance to begin and a single spotlight cut through the darkness of the concert hall to illuminate the grand piano on stage. Only then did the audience notice the little boy on the bench, innocently picking out 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.'
 

"His mother gasped, but before she could move, Paderewski appeared on stage and quickly moved to the keyboard. He whispered to the boy, 'Don't quit. Keep playing.' And then, leaning over, the master reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side, encircling the child, to add a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice held the crowd mesmerized.

"In our lives, unpolished though we may be, it is the Master who surrounds us and whispers in our ear, time and time again, 'Don't quit. Keep playing.' And as we do, He augments and supplements until a work of amazing beauty is created. He is right there with all of us, telling us over and over, 'Keep playing.' "                                            




                                                                                   
 So in our times of doubt, let us not forget this simple yet encouraging story of the innocent little boy and the "master". Let us remember to keep moving forward, no matter what trials may lay before us.







                                                               

Here is my heart.....

 

Wow, what an amazing song, it is one of my favorites..... I think most of us are looking for this in our lives. What would most of us do, to find this? To truly feel love?..... 

Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime....

Never letting us go........ Oh, to have a love that goes on beyond all time... When our bodies turn to dust..... Whether we are in this physical body or not, we will live through their thoughts and memories, forever, as they will in ours. Love means so many different things to so many different people. What does love mean to you? When that love finds you, and touches you, you are forever changed.... Love is no small thing, Love has no guarantees. Love has no age, it goes on forever. It is not written in the stars, or on a stone, or on a simple piece of paper. You can see it all around us, yet we can not contain it....  Holding on too tight to it could destroy it... Reach deep down inside.... Can you feel it?.... The Love SO strong it could concur all?....

Things are a little complicated right now, with living with Dysautonomia and other personal reasons, although I just keep moving forward the best that I can. Life stands still for no one..... I'm hoping through time, and working on things it will be better than it has ever been before.... Time has a way of getting away from us.... Just like relationships...  If we do not work on them and keep track of it, we can lose what we had forever, however it would never be forgotten, it will live on in memories and stories we share of it........

Will you be there for me? I need to know..... I will love you, and be there for you... Forever and a day...... Here is my heart..... Please keep it safe....

Only time.......

October is here and for the last 10 years it has been bitter-sweet..... I love the season changes, colors, smells and the cooler weather..... Then there is the reminder that Oct. 4th would have been my son Preston's Birthday.... I find myself wondering what experiences he might have had.... It is not too hard to imagine when you have a nephew exactly one month younger than what he would have been..... What would he look like? I find myself longing for the what if's and wanting to watch him grow into a man........ I feel him everyday in little things, and reminded that he is not very far, I might not see him but I feel him in many ways..... Helping me be able to hold on to him, but also to let him go, so that I can do the things I need to do here on earth until we meet again.... Even in our family pictures, it is like he is there, in his place, right next to his sister, my precious gifts. I hold to the precious moments I had with him and let go of the blame and anger that I once had about loosing him and not having him in my life to watch him grow-up....

Only time by Enya is his song, it came to me in a time I needed it most..... The first time I heard it was after I lost Preston and I knew it was about his time here with us........

Letting go the loss of a child is tough to move through and forever will be a part of you, through time it can change you and teach you things about yourself that you might have never known ..... Just like coming to terms with invisible diseases and disorders like Dysautonomia is learning what do you hold on to and learning what do you let go of, and in time finding who you are......... Only in time do we really learn what it means to be who we are.......

What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of- and having faith that it will all work out in the end.......
There are seasons and times to have different things, relationships and situations in your life, the season changes are different to each and everyone of us......
Only time will tell what life might bring, where our relationships might take us, or what our children might become..... Or what the next steps are going be, in life or death..... It can make or break someones' will and spirit, if you let it.... Time has a way of changing people, the hope is that it changes us for the better.... That we learn and grow and become better people just from going through time.... I hope that I would be like the seasons and be able to retain who I am, while still going through the changes, my life experiences I need to grow and become the person that I'm suppose to be .........

For the short time Preston was here, he has forever change us.
Preston is forever woven into the fabric of our very being... It really doesn't get easier as the years pass on. We try to just keep moving forward knowing that we will be able to be with him as a family again someday.
We Love you Preston...... ♥

Is there more than what you see

 Is there more than what you see.... For instant's when you look at any of Gods creations what do you see? Is it  just a tree, a rock or the sky, just nature running about? What about your pets are they just a dog, a cat, maybe a frog, or a fish? Then you look at  the people you meet everyday at schools, in the workplace, grocery stores, what do you see at the

several Dr's visits you maybe needing to have every week, months,  maybe even years, or at the several hospital visits you may need like me? What do you see when you see your neighbors, your friends,, your grandparents,  your parents, your brothers, yours sisters, a spouse, or your partner, a child or maybe is it the perfect bachelor life style?  What do you see, when you look at those that seem to have it all and their life seems to be complete, the perfect spouse, the perfect children, the perfect house on top of the hill, or the best vehicles, or the time and money to have THE vacation you have always wanted.

What about those that go to church every Sunday religiously? Or those that rarely or never show up to any religious functions , or those that do come but only now and then? Or the person that has to work a couple of jobs to barely make it, to keep the house on the hill? What do you know by looking at them?
Now how about those that go home to a loveless home, would you be able to tell? What if they have built an image that they now believe themselves? Or when a couple that is out in public with their  significant other and they treat them like they are the most important person in the world until they get home and everything changes, they are ignored and made to feel less than less, but all anyone see is a great couple. What would you see? Would you be able to see the child that feels so alone with no where to turn, that has tried to commit suicide and has given up all hope?  What do you see?

Yes, at times it is very easy to see that there is a problem, like the bum that begs on the streets dirty  smelling of urine, feces, booze and halitosis. How about the dirty and unkempt child. The missed behaved children. or those on the other side of the tracks, but this is not always so easy to tell, what about the person that sits alone at home wishing that someone would just notice that there is a problem, we have all learned to hide things deep in side.........

What about those that have an invisible disease like me? If I did not tell you what would you see?
For instants if you were to look at me, I would bet you would not really see the real me.....
Each one of us is so much more than just what you see...

Would you know that everyday is a challenge for me just to do the simples things that most have taken for granted, like just getting out of bed and ready for the day ahead, or going to the grocery store, and spending time with family and good friends takes so much out of me? Would you know that I blackout several time a day? That I'm so sick with vomiting and stuck in the bathroom, with GI issues on most days? Or how about the major brain fog? Or the severe pain that I have everyday, and how about the tremors that can be so violent that is scares even the strongest of strong are watching in fear. One minute I'm on the floor out cold and then I'm up cleaning myself off, to make myself presentable for whatever my lay ahead for me, still trying everyday to be there not only for myself, but for those that I care about and love, still trying to look as healthy and normal as anyone else? All I want to do is not be sick for just a day, an hour or even a few minutes without the reminder that I am sick with Dysautonomia. Or is that all you see, when you look at me?

Just a little glimpse

I'm not usually one to talk about myself, I'm usually very private person not really wanting the focus on me. This will become a good growing experience, as well as a sharing experience..... I believe if you put your mind to something, you can change many things, maybe not everything but many things  just by thinking differently about them....... For an example I was diagnosed with Dysautonomia/ POTS (postural orthostatic  tachycardia syndrome) in 2005 and it has been a very challenging and life changing experience, even though it is believed that I've had it most of my life, just recently it has progressed very quickly it seems... What was is no longer and I've had to think differently about everything,  and learn how to just keep moving forward......
I'm a thinker, If I have a problem, or a tough challenge, I look at it, pick it apart until I find the answer that is right for me. I have always had a way of working through and around some tough challenges..... I am a very deep person, I can ponder about things for hours trying to find a bigger meaning to them. I enjoy learning new things and growing philosophically, emotionally or be it spiritually...... 
I love tall trees.You know the ones that seem to touch the sky? The ones that have been there for years and have stood the test of time?  Especially the pine trees. No matter what the storm may bring, the rain, or winds and blizzards, they have stood the test of time.....
As we are approaching autumn it is one of my favorite times of the year. There's something about it that just says "I'm at home!" Maybe it's the warm colors, or the sense of family and friends coming together to celebrate their togetherness. The caramel apples, the warm Cinnamon and pumpkin spices smelled everywhere. The sense that someones arms are there, waiting to embrace you and welcome you in from the cold. Or is it just the hope that we will spend time together as a family, or with good friends and crate those memories that will warm you from the inside out, everytime you think of them?   
Wow, I guess I had more to say than I thought....